Finding a new normal

Being on call isn't all that fun. We had to turn down a trip to swim and have fun at a creek in Missouri since the reception is less than ideal and I just wasn't comfortable being another 45 minutes away. I know I will get used to it, but right now it still feels so fresh since it's been a few months. Just remembering the small stuff, like having all my doula stuff in my car or at least within a quick reach at home, having gas in my car, extra clothes, never letting my phone die. But I really do love being a doula and I have a really good feeling that this next birth will be pretty amazing for both me and the mom. Her doctor is my doctor so I don't have to worry about establishing a good report and he has such a good reputation for VBACs.

It does feel kind of bizarre to be looking forward to someone else's birth while I'm sitting here at 9dpo, waiting, waiting, waiting. I am also dealing with my first yeast infection EVER. I know I jinxed myself when at my last dr. appt, I commented on how I have never had one and hadn't had a UTI since high school. Don't ever google yeast infection and ttc because it may get your hopes up since it seems like a good number of women tend to get them right before they get to see two lines. I doubt that is the case with me. I don't have reason to doubt, I just can't open myself up to it being a possibility. My cat did have 4 kittens and chose to do so in my bedroom though. Can I just take that as a sign that more birth will happen in this house soon? Or maybe we're just terrible pet owners who forgot to get her spayed.

Matt and I have enjoyed some time to ourselves lately with movie marathons and reading aloud to each other before bed. We haven't made it very far into the book we are reading but that quiet time at the end of each day is something I have started to look forward to.

I promise to stop falling off the face of the blogosphere now that summer is here!

My Doula Business

Has a new website!!! Come on over and check it out. I'd love some suggestions on how to improve it!

A Picture Heavy catch up post!

Thanks to the few ladies who have checked on me in my blogging absence! It has just been a bit crazy and I'm not even sure where to begin.

When I left off, I had just had my follow up appointment and was facing finals week. I made it through finals (and just barely in one class), got my first ever "C", and managed to hold myself together at pinning for the most part. My Nana had recently had a knee replacement and had only been out of rehab for a few weeks so it was touch and go on whether she would be able to make it up the

stairs and across the stage. Luckily, my instructors were very accommodating & she sat up on the stage, off to the side so that she would already be on the stage when I walked up there. I could tell it was hurting her but I am so thankful that she pushed through it. I also received a service award for my participation as vice president in our local student nurses association. I don't think I enjoyed it as much as I could have because I was anxious to leave during the entire thing just so that I could get home and finish getting ready for the vow ceremony/reception/5 year anniversary shindig but it was a great experience! I will miss all the wonderful people who have seen me more these past 2 years than most of my family has.

About that shindig, it turned out perfectly! It was well worth the wait and only happened thanks to some incredibly hard work done by some of my amazing friends and their family. Lisa Mac and her sister Annalee were both so amazing and put so much energy (and money) into making sure that this was a big success. I spent all day Thursday and most of Friday cooking and getting some last minute decoration prep done. We had worried about rain but somehow, and I still don't know how!, we managed to get lucky with some beautiful weather. For those who don't know, we got married 5 years ago in a drive-thru drug store in Lonoke, AR and so we never even said vows (see the picture where Matt is being handed something through a window!) We figured we've been through more than our fair share these past 5 years and with graduation falling so close to our anniversary, it seemed like the perfect time to share our love with our family and closest friends. We had a wonderful turnout, even with some last minute cancellations and the uncertain weather. Matt wrote a wonderful little intro for us and though I did write vows ahead of time, I lost them in all the commotion so I had to wing it (which was not fun!). I know I made some comments about him putting up with me "even when I have more hormones pumping through me than most jr. high cheer leading squads" haha but don't really remember too much of what else I said because I ended up getting so nervous!  His vows were so incredible, so pure, so beautiful. I was so happy to get (almost) all of the people in our lives who are the most important to us, all in one space. It was the first time my parents met both of his parents! It was the first time me and all 3 of my brothers had been in the same place since last May when the youngest one graduated from high school. Even my ninja-preschooler! and his family came. It was a pretty big deal. I couldn't have asked for a more spectacular day!

Not only did she help with the planning and execution of the party, but Lisa also took a ton of amazing pictures for us. You can see more of her incredible work here. We most certainly could not have afforded to have someone anywhere near her talent level taking pictures for us on such a special day, but lucky for us, we have known each other for over 15 years! She was actually my fourth grade teacher and I know I've talked about her here before, but seriously our relationship is one that I treasure and can't imagine my life without. We've only seen a portion of them so far, but I wanted to share a couple of my favorites with you.

Almost all of our favorite people in the whole world!

Right after my portion of vows

And you can tell from my expression in these two just how I felt as he read his beautiful vows

Me, my three brothers, and Lisa Mac

And sealed with a kiss, of course.















Matt was lucky enough to be able to get off work this past Thursday, which was our actual anniversary, and we went for an 8 mile canoe trip which wiped me out! Within 2 minutes of getting in, we had already flipped it and I have the souvenir bruise to prove it. It was a lot of fun, once Matt got the hang of things (since this was his first time in a canoe) and we figured out how to work as a team. We stopped a couple times, due to the low water level, to get a snack, or because we panicked about some snakes and ended up beached between two! It was a great day together and I will say that the highlight was, on one stretch of the river, Matt and I both sang "Colors of the Wind"! I sang probably too loud and really got into it, forgetting to keep paddling at all. It was so much fun and I can't wait to go back later this summer after my huge run of births! 

Here is the silly picture we took during our picnic lunch break. You can tell we were having fun!

And last, but not least, especially in this strange life we lead right now, about my dysfunctional lady-bits. The huge dose of Clomid made me feel like I was walking around with baseball tucked inside my pelvic cavity. We have been like newlyweds lately so all our bases are definitely covered. I am likely 4dpo right now so about 10 days until the witch is expected, possibly sooner. After this long, it's hard to find optimism but there is some that seeps through in fleeting moments of hope. I start being on call in two days and won't be off until after my last July client gives birth. It's exciting but at the same time nerve-wracking, wondering if a birth will happen on a day when I'm so hormonal that I can barely hold myself together. I always manage to surprise myself and put all my emotions on the backburner, so hopefully I will have continued success with repressing my feelings. And even better, maybe some birth-y juices will be all that my body needs to get the hint! 

Holy moly!

When did I hit 60 followers?! That is pretty crazy to me since when I started this blog, it was never with the intention of letting anyone else even know it existed. Once I came out of the infertile closet, it was like the flood gates were open and now that practically every one I see on a regular basis knows about our struggle to make babies, I can't imagine how I ever managed to cope  in secret. I do notice that I rely less on the internet community and more on people in my day to day life to complain to. They may wish it were still the other way...

I had my follow-up appointment this last Wednesday and didn't realize how nervous I was about it until I got there and my blood pressure sky rocketed to 149/93 or something close to that. I always run under 120/80 so my doctor knew something was up. He told me that he only found a couple little spots of endo on my right ovary but that on my left side, it was covering my ovary and constricting it. He said there were also adhesions on the back side of that ovary semi-securing it to the back of my pelvic wall. He lasered off everything that he could but explained that he couldn't get 100% of it. He was pushing for me to try all natural for 3 months to get pregnant before starting the Lupron but later agreed that 150mg of Clomid would help boost those chances. It also boosts the chances that I will be accelerating the growth of the endo over the next 3 months too, making it all the more important to agree to the Lupron when the time comes. The information booklet he gave me for the Lupron is pretty intimidating with lovely side effects listed like thinning of the bones that may not be completely reversible, worsening of depression (with possible forgetfulness), and all the other lovely things that come along with menopause like decreased libido, hot flashes, vaginal dryness, etc... You can see why I'm hoping it doesn't get to that point. And while we are talking about my dysfunctional lady parts, I totally thought I was starting like 4 days earlier than expected but now I'm not so sure. I've had a lot of spotting this month already thanks to the surgery and I'm wondering if this isn't just some residual side effects from that because while I would have considered yesterday to be a "light" day in a normal cycle, it was all really old blood and is barely there today. I'm going to cash in my Clomid prescription anyway so at least I will have it on hand when my body decides to make up it's mind.

Also, only two finals stand between me and being done with nursing school (this step anyway.) I have one final on Monday and the last one on Wednesday. Thursday and Friday are jam packed full with getting every single little detail for our re-commitment ceremony together. And then Saturday, the 12th, I will have nursing pinning at 2pm and then high tail it back to my house for more prepping. Hopefully the rain will stay far, far away because we are holding our ceremony and reception outside at a beautiful pavilion just down the road from my house. It is going to be quite the fiesta with a stocked taco bar, tres leches cake, and tons of love. Since we never had a wedding and got our marriage license handed to us through the car window, this is kind of a big deal. I seriously can not wait to tell Matt how much I love him, appreciate him, and reflect on all we've been through so far in front of all our family and friends. I'm pretty sure I am a crazy person for trying to do it all in one day but since many of our friends and family will be driving about 3-4 hours to get here, we needed to make sure they could make it to everything. It's all I think about when I lay down at night and probably part of the reason I am getting such terrible sleep. Our "fo' real" anniversary is on the 17th and since Matt already asked off work, we are thinking about going for a nice canoe ride. I start a few solid months of being on call after that so whatever we decide, I just hope it's a nice little escape for the both of us.

Once I can get school out of the way, I can focus on my summer chock full of births, including my first (hopefully) VBAC doula gig. I am supposed to schedule a time to take the NCLEX but I'm almost positive that no matter when I take it, some one will decide to go into labor when I'm about half way done. I really love my  job and can't wait to get some time to put into my website, some brochures, and to prep for the possibility of putting in IVs at some local homebirths when moms test GBS positive. I have a prenatal with an established client today and then three new client consults in the next 2 weeks. It's all pretty exciting.

And now the question is, how in the world do I fill the next hour and a half until I go running with a nursing school classmate? And why the heck am I up this early anyway!? UGH!

April ICLW!

Hey everyone! I'm so glad you're here. You can read our complete story here but I will give you a quick run down. I'm Rochelle and my husband is Matt. We got married May 17th of 2007 and have been trying to have a baby ever since. We did manage to get pregnant in the summer of 2008 but I miscarried right around 12 weeks. We haven't even had the slightest little bit of pregnancy ever since and have been stuck in the unexplained fertility category for that whole time. We have done 8 rounds of Clomid between 50 and 100mg over the last year with no luck. I finally had a laproscopy and hysteroscopy done this last Thursday which uncovered endometriosis between stage 1 and 2. The good news is that my tubes are nice and clear, my uterus is where it is supposed to be, and we finally have some where to start when it comes to getting a little bio baby. I am so very sore today and still having a lot of shoulder pain from all the gas used to distend my abdomen for easier viewing. I probably over did it the last two days with school and then walking around the farmer's market with the hubz this morning.

I graduate nursing school is 21 days! That will also be the day that Matt and I finally say vows to one another in front of our friends and family. I have a few different jobs right now that I will likely keep after graduation so that I don't have to get a nursing job that my heart isn't into. I work as a nanny a few days a week to an adorable little boy who will be 4 this summer. I can't believe how special our bond is and that it has been almost 3 years that I have been watching him. I wait tables on Sundays at Dixie Cafe which is about all the waitressing I could handle right now. And then I  have my true passion work as a birth doula. I know it seems almost masochistic that I'm an infertile who surrounds herself with pregnant women but it's something I just can't imagine ever giving up. My summer is quickly filling up with births and I am excited to watch my business grow.  I will be jumping right back into school in August to finish some classes I will need to get into a program to complete my bachelor's degree in nursing so that I can jump into a nurse midwifery program.

So please stick around and help keep me comfortable over these  next few months where I will probably be on suppression drugs to try and get the endo to calm down a bit before we see what else we can afford to do.

Well, at least we aren't in the "unexplained" category anymore

It has been another hectic month with school. I traveled to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania for a week for the National Student Nurses Association national convention. I had a blast, got to meet with the ANA president, and it left me feeling rejuvenated. It reminded me that even if I decide not to practice as a nurse, I can still have a lasting impact on the field.

Yesterday I had a laproscopy and hysteroscopy. I am so very sore today and my shoulders are still killing me from pumping my abdomen full of CO2. I'm trying to stay pretty drugged up because when it wears off, I don't want to move. When my dr came to talk to me, I was still really out of it so I don't remember all that he said. I know he said he found endometriosis between stage 1 and 2 but that my tubes were clear. He mentioned oral drugs to my husband so I'm assuming the plan will still be to try Lupron (or something similar) for about 6 months to thrust me into menopause and stop the growth for a little while. They just started offering IUI's and injectibles at my doctor's office so I think that would be what came after months of suppression. My surgery wasn't covered by my insurance so I had to pay $584 to my doctor's office and another $1500 to the hospital itself. We will likely try and get that entirely paid off while baby making gets put on the back burner so that we are starting at $0 when we have to pay for IUI's and other meds. I'm so frustrated with insurance crap right now that I almost wish I didn't have a summer full of births and I could get some nursing job I don't quite care for just to have more coverage.

 But my doula business is flourishing and I am even having to turn down clients so that I don't end up taking on too much. I'm hoping that I will be able to use my nursing license to help the homebirth midwives in the area by starting IVs for them when they have GBS+ moms but that won't be a steady, reliable income. There is also supposedly a birth center being built around here and if that actually happens within the next year, I could see myself dropping my doula business for a while to pursue a job with them gathering skills. I am still planning on jumping into a program to complete my bachelor's after I graduate next month (22 days!) so I will be in school this fall as well. So nothing is slowing down anytime soon.

And I can't wait to actually say vows and show off our love in front of our family and friends only 22 days from now! I feel incredibly unprepared to host a party of this magnetude but I think I will have plenty of help. We are having a taco bar, some sangria, and just a lot of fun! Stay tuned for more.

Obligatory monthly post

I'm not doing the whole ICLW thing this month so I figured I'd force myself to carve out some time for some sort of update and since the ninja kiddo is sick (and entertaining himself with majjong on my kindle), now seems perfect.
We are 100% moved to our new, bigger house. I am not a fan of my new half hour commute but oh well, it is a small sacrifice for location. It was also really nice to be so close to the hospital where my last client delivered. After being crazy busy with school, I was at a birth from 2pm Friday until around 3:30am Saturday which just wiped me out. I spent hours massaging this mom's back and my arms were like noodles the next day. That birth definitely factored into my decision to get a king sized bed this last weekend and my sleep has really improved.  This week has been my spring break so I've finally had a little bit of time to unpack and hang things on the walls. My sister in law has been staying with us since Sunday and while my MIL was here dropping her off, she decided she would "help" and unpack a bunch of stuff in my kitchen (while I was at work!) This meant rearranging things the way I wanted them and trying not to freak out about it. The weather has been awful since Sunday, just tons and tons of rain, so we haven't had a chance to really do anything fun (and since I'm usually so busy, I have loved sitting around doing nothing!) I know that being an 18 year old girl who lives in a small country town, she was expecting a little more fun from us but I'm just not an entertainer. She was adopted as a toddler with a terrible history of neglect and abuse and has been dealing with the aftermath of that her whole life so there are a lot of things that make her different from most kids her age. I'm hopeful that her future is bright and we have had some discussion about what we could do to play a bigger role in her life.
On the reproductive front, after our last unsuccessful cycle of Clo.mid, I scheduled my laproscopy for next month. I will be out of town for convention for about a week and then the following week, on the 19th I will have the surgery. I hope the recovery is as easy as they are making it out to be because I have a group presentation to lead the following day that I just can't get out of. It makes me nervous how much school I will be missing in April but I don't have many other options. April and May are the only months I don't have clients due so everything has to be crammed in when it can. I'm just as terrified that they are going to find endometriosis as I am that everything will look fine. My insurance isn't going to cover it either which adds a bit more pressure in my mind. Like if they find nothing, I just spent hundreds of dollars for nothing. I also have this huge (semi-irrational) fear that I will wake up and they'll come tell me I'm an ovary short now or worse yet, I no longer have a uterus at all. We'll see....
Also, I let out one of those huge, crazy laughs upon learning that Aly over at Infertility Overacheivers is pregnant naturally with TWINS! after undergoing IVF to get the 2 boys she does have (the littlest being just 3 months old).....infertility and life continue to be so unpredictable and lovely.